Laura, mum of three, shares her experiences with breastfeeding her third child, who was born prematurely. For Laura, breastfeeding has been crucial for her mental health and wellbeing.
Laura's story mentions postnatal depression. Please find a link to more information about postnatal depression and ways to get support at the end of this page.In 2015 I was pregnant with my third child. My postnatal depression from number two had been re-designated as an perinatal depression, and some days were more about surviving than thriving. But mostly, we were on an even keel as a family. We had been through the pregnancy journey twice before with both boys arriving late, knew the ups and downs, and were firmly of the opinion that we knew what we were doing. As is so often the case though, we were in for quite the lesson.
At 31 weeks I experienced a rupture of my membranes. After a short stay in hospital, I convinced the doctors and midwives to allow me to go home to be with my family. I rested as much as I could with two adventurous boys at home, visited my GP every other day, and attended the maternity clinic every 48 hours. Then at 33 weeks labour began, and after a blue-light ride in an ambulance to a hospital we had never set foot in before, Amy was born. Grey and not breathing, tiny and poorly; our little girl needed a lot of extra help. After a very quick cuddle and some hastily taken photographs, she was whisked away to NICU, and we were left alone.
We had plenty of time to worry as we waited. Instead of taking care of her we had to trust others, and nobody could tell us what the next hours, days or weeks would look like. As we worried, we also wondered why. And unsurprisingly, I believed it to be my fault. What had I done differently this time? Was it my depression, why couldn’t I protect my daughter as I had my sons? The feelings of uselessness and guilt were overwhelming.
After what felt like a lifetime, we were taken to see our girl in the incubator and to meet with the consultant. Although Amy was not in imminent danger, and her development appeared to be ok for her length of gestation, we were advised that she would need help with breathing, eating and maintaining her temperature, and that she would be on a lot of antibiotics for the infection they couldn’t quite pinpoint. Then the intensive care nurse explained how they would work out her feeds and these would be given through a tube. She then asked if I would like support to express and later breastfeed.
This was the first moment when I began to feel like the mother I had been with the boys. Motherhood for me is often about the practicalities, lovingly meeting needs, showing care and providing. All of the things that medical staff were taking care of. To be reminded that I could still do this meant the world to me. I had a purpose; I could give something to my baby.
It took time to express sufficient quantities for feeds. But every time I produced even a few millilitres, these were added to Amy’s feeds, and I felt more connected to her and more connected to myself as her mother. As time went on, I was able to borrow a breast pump from a local charity to both build up my supply at home and to provide for Amy’s feeds. I was then supported by the nurses to help Amy learn how to breastfeed properly.
The journey wasn’t easy and the feelings of unidentifiable dread that had been a feature throughout my postnatal depression lingered for a long time. I also experienced a lot of self doubt, as life with a premature baby brings its own set of challenges that don’t end when you finally get to bring your baby home. Breastfeeding Amy meant that I had moments where I felt that I was in control, that I was a good enough mummy, providing all that she needed.
Sadly, the time spent breastfeeding Amy was shorter than I would have hoped. Amy did not meet the expected weight gains according to the charts from the health visitor, and we soon had to supplement her with prescribed formula. I continue to have mixed feelings about this. While Amy was small to start with, I have never been convinced that formula was the correct choice. Perhaps if the medical team working with us in the community were better trained in both prematurity and breastfeeding we could have found ways to maintain the breastfeeding?
With that said, I know that in the early days of being Amy’s mum, being able to breastfeed her gave me that special time with her. I was her mummy, and I could provide what she needed. In times of self-doubt and fear, having these things to hold on to and feeling that I was useful kept me from falling further into depression. We often hear how breast is best for baby. I can say with confidence that for us breast was also best for mummy.
